Ringing in Third Saturday

Note: In honor of all the great sports radio call-in shows around the South, here is our annual column featuring fictional (?) calls and comments from some favorite fans and emailers (this week UT and Bama backers) … any semblance to real people and/or offensive comments contained within are purely intentional … wait, unintentional!

“Welcome to the Big Timer call-in show everybody.

For SEC traditionalists, the third Saturday in October provides one of the biggest conference games of the year.

We know Bama and Tennessee fans always have a balanced and informed opinion about the big game so let’s get right to the phones.”

“Hey Big Timer, this is Davis from Cullman calling … Big Timer what do tornadoes and Tennessee graduates have in common?”

“Don’t know Davis, what?”

“They both always end up in trailer parks!”

“That’s funny Davis, but how do you see the game going? You realize historically Alabama and Tennessee are the SEC’s top football programs.”

“Historically, I see Phillip Fulmer looking like the pumpkin that’s on my porch that’s how I see the game going … Saban’s going to stick a candle in that big, cheatin ..”

Click.

“Uh … thanks Davis. Keep it civil now folks. Here is Jeffrey from Halls, Tennessee.

Jeff you do know that Alabama and Tennessee boast what are considered the top two coaches in conference history – Paul “Bear” Bryant and General Bob Neyland of Tennessee.”

“Yeah yeah Big Timer … you do know that Nick Satan is only going to be dressing 20 Alabama players for the game this weekend don’t you?

“Just twenty players … I don’t think so Jeff.”

“Yeah, he’s just dressing out twenty … the rest of em will have to get dressed by themselves!”

“Alright … that’s pretty good Jeff, but what do you think about the game?”

“I think both these coaches will be gone by next year … you know Satan would take $4 million and a penny to coach anywhere, and Fulmer better win because it’s been three years since we got to the SEC title game and 98 since we won it all … and we are sick of the excus …”

Click.

“Thanks for the positive outlook there Jeffrey … let’s go to A-Red in T-Town … what’s up Red … and what’s that A stand for?”

“It stands for Ala-damn-Bama Big Timer, what’d you think it stood for? You’re always wanting to talk about history, here’s some history for you … did you know that the toothbrush was invented in Tennessee?”

“No, I didn’t A-Red … how do you know that?”

“It had to be because if it’d been invented anywhere else, it would have been called the TEETHbrush … heh heh … and it that Fulmer fella keeps lying about our recruiting, I’ll knock his tooth out of …”

Click.

“You guys are too much Red. You know if y’all keep arguing like this it hurts the whole conference.

Let’s talk to Rock on Rocky Top. Hey Rock, both these teams are tied for their division leads in the loss column, what do you think, can one of them win out?”

“Hi Big Timer, of course Tennessee can win out are you crazy? Alabama can’t because they won’t win this one. Now, here’s a question for you radio man … how do you make Crimson Tide cookies?”

“I don’t know Rock, why don’t you tell us?”

“You put them in a big bowl and beat them for sixty minutes! Get it, a big bowl … course Alabama hasn’t been to one since Paul Bryant was a bear cub … why don’t all them people down there realize he is de …”

Click.

“Man oh man. Folks wake up here. This is a showcase game every year.

Sure, Florida and LSU play each other in an NFL talent contest. Near Halloween, Florida and Georgia get together at Jacksonville and host the nation’s best college football party. Finally, around Thanksgiving, Auburn and Alabama fight in an annual family feud, a real knockdown and drag out affair.

But this game is SEC royalty. Bama-UT is kind of like Tiger Woods teeing it up against Jack Nicklaus, Babe Ruth staring down Roger Clemens, Vince Lombari matching wits with Bill Belichick.

This game pits SEC royalty against each other.”

“OK, enough preaching … we’ve got a neutral observer on the line.

Let’s hear from Wingnut in Opelika … hi Nut, talk about this big game for us.”

“Big Timer, how can you leave Auburn out of the discussion when it comes to SEC royalty?”

Click.

Game Ball: Tennessee

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