Urban Meyer … Never. Ever.

After much prodding, the time has come for a final announcement.

I will not accept the position of head football coach at the University of Florida.

Ever.

Print it. Blog it. Tweet it. Facebook it. Put it in your pipe and smoke it. No Gators.

Whew … feels good to get that off my chest.

Of course, Jeremy Foley and Bernie Machen have not actually offered me the position, and Florida currently has a pretty good coach under contract in Urban Meyer so they may not really be looking for a new hire anytime soon.

Still.

Just in case Paul Finebaum tries to stir up something with another rambling, ranting, semi-coherent column in order to trigger more phone calls to his radio program, I want to get out front of the fuss and say I plan to stay at my present position as long as they will have me. Finebaum’s folly (loosely claiming Meyer might leave Gainesville for the Notre Dame job after this season) caused the Urban legend to blow a fuse at a golf tournament in the Sunshine State and announce he would never accept the head coaching position at Notre Dame.

Ever.

Never – ever – mind the fact Notre Dame has not offered him the position (in at least four years anyway).

Since Urban and I each preemptively turned down a job this month that had not been offered to us, I am joining him (without his permission) in listing other positions we are refusing to accept.

Ever.

Note: These are limited to the SEC … Urban and I want to leave our options open for the rest of the country. Except ND of course (actually … I’d take that job – sorry Urban).

Alabama: The guy that makes those Bear Bryant hats (too much work).

Arkansas: A pig farmer … what kind of true Razorback would eat its own?

Auburn: The folks who clean up all that toilet paper on Toomer’s Corner.

Florida: A sports talk radio host who questions anything the football Gators do.

Georgia: The fellow who gets to put the ice under UGA the Bulldog Mascot.

Kentucky: The usher trying to restrain the crowd when basketball season starts.

LSU: A designated driver on a football Saturday night in Baton Rouge … you’d be so lonely.

Ole Miss: The tailor who makes those old outlawed Colonel Rebel mascot outfits.

Miss State: The guy waiting to take over for announcer Jack Cristil (going strong since 1953).

South Carolina: The manager who has to retrieve Steve Spurrier’s visor every time he throws it.

Tennessee: Lane Kiffin’s PR guy (too much work).

Vanderbilt: The NCAA rules compliance officer (not enough work).

Off to SEC Media Days … perhaps Urban will want to sit down to lunch and discuss other jobs he and I could turn down before they are even offered to us.

Never. Ever.

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